For the majority of my life, people have said that I’m too good. Because of school, CCA, church whatsoever.

But sometimes you’ll wonder if you are as good as they make you out to be. And the truth is, you’re not.

And it really hurts when you think that you’re not good enough for the people you love.

SO TIRED I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY ANYMORE.

But surprisingly the thing that is tiring me out is not just studies but other things which just weigh me down. And that really sucks.

Tired of trying and putting my 110% when I see no result. Tired of having to wonder and worry all the time. Tired of having of having to cry just to make myself feel a bit better.

I realized that blogging now, for me, has only become a way for me vent my frustration which shouldn’t be the case. And even in venting my frustration I have to be really careful with what I’m saying so that I don’t hurt anyone in the process or need to explain myself. That sucks cause sometimes blogging just makes me feel even more frustrated when I want to say something but I can’t. BLAHHHHH.

Watched a YouTube testimony video today and what I remember the most is.. Do not ever betray God. When things aren’t going your way, that is when you need to REJOICE. Amen.

Whatever I feel and whoever and whatever that makes me feel this way, I am still joyful because I have God

I’m really tired. Just wanna forget about everything. Studies, family, relationshis, everything. Want to refocus, want to get to know God all over again. Get to know myself all over again.

A levels really plays with your mind. And being a teenager is really not that easy. Said this like, a thousand times I think. I’m so tired of being termed as the “Happy” and “hyper” kid. Now I just want to be emo and like, hiding under my own shell. But, when I see people around me feeling sad and emo and hiding, I hear God telling me that it is my responsibility to comfort them, to encourage them, to stay happy for them. But it takes strength which I’m not sure I still have but I’m sure that God will replenish.

3 weeks. Not sure how much I can accomplish, not sure what my future is going to be like, how it’s going to be shaped by this, but A levels are not the only thing in life. The reason why I’m so worried is cause I think that my results is my life my everything. But it’s not. My life is in You, God.

3 weeks, God help me know You are near, help me know You are real, help me know who You are.

Thank God for favourable results so far. Really amazing and God is nothing less than absolutely wonderful and faithful.

I walk, by faith. Each step, by faith. To live, by faith, I put my trust in You. Every step I take, is a step of faith. No weapon formed against me, shall prosper. Every prayer I make, is a prayer of faith. And if my God is for me, then who can be against me!

Amen amen amen amen amen amen amen. )

Alrights shall go sleep now

there’s no love that can ever be as unfailing and unchanging as God’s

Its true what they say- many people turn to God only when they feel helpless and needy (me included).

Really thank God for what Pastor Eric shared yst that when exams come, take it as an opportunity that God is going to let you feel His power. What Rev. Lin said today was true too. While having His perfect power, His heart is focused on what happens to us and that is the focal point of God’s goodness.

Psalm 113:5-6 “Who is like the Lord our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth?”

God looks at me, the 1 out of a gazillion people, the 1 out of a thousand thousand people who are taking A levels this year and God cares for me. He never lets me go.

When I worry, I pride myself, I credit myself with righteousness and power that only God can claim and only God has. When I worry, I limit the wonders that God can do. When I worry, I doubt God’s care, God’s focus on me.

Everyone around me has been telling me that A levels is the worst exam I would be facing. But God has been so so faithful and in fact, I think I’m doing better than I was in secondary school, despite my heavy commitments in life con and council through my 2 years. God’s focus is on me. Even as I’m typing this, God’s focus is on me. And dear God, I give You the glory.

But today, I worry for nothing really. What is there to fear when my God is here?

I will go in with faith, come out knowing that I do my best, He does the rest.
———

On another note, the past 2 days or so I’ve been thinking, “I’m so sick of thinking about other people. So sick of having to care about other people. Why can’t I be selfish, self-centered, have things my own way for once. Why do I have to give it up for other people who won’t do the same for me?”

Honestly nobody will ever know how I really feel deep inside it’s really quite painful knowing that you’re doing this for other people yet you’re not sure whether they’ll do it for you. And also, when the reason why you’re not following in accordance to other’s ways is because it’s just not right. If you’ve ever felt that way you would understand.

Kinda sucks when everyone around you thinks you’re strong enough to handle these things but you’re the only one who know you can’t. And it really doesn’t make things any better when you have to hide that sadness inside and pretend to be all… Happy and like “oh!! It’s okay don’t worry about it I’ll think of another way.” So sick and tired of being like that. So tempted to just say.. “I’m not going to do this why must I do this for you all why can’t you do or for me?”

People would probably think you’re being petty but the thing is people can’t see through your soul. Only God can.

Thank You, God for the timely reminder during devotion today. “A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.” – Proverbs 11:25

Sometimes it may seem unfair. But why do I choose to still do it with a joyful heart? Because God wants me to emulate that generosity. May not be in monetary terms but in gestures, so that people around me can see God’s goodness, graciousness, generosity.

Like what mommy said, even if it ends up that I’ll be all alone, having to start meeting people all over again, God would have a plan for that too. Maybe He wants me to meet true great friends that He knows I will keep for life, true great friends that will understand what I’m going through. (not saying that all my friends are fake or whatever).

So God, I lay down my burdens my troubles to You. I know I will continue to be Your focus. Thank You very much, Jesus. Amen.

Everytime I fall, dear God help me remember how much You’ve done for me, how real You are to me. It’s not possible to ignore.

I trust and I know you will do a miracle, even though none of us are worth it.

I need You.

To some extent I feel… Responsible. What did I do to help the situation? Actually nothing. Been more concerned about myself and how everything around me has been going and how everyone has been towards me that I failed to see what was more important. That is truly a regret.

But then again, what can I say? It’s not like I’ve been an angel all the time and saying anything now is going to be hypocritical.

But I thank God for placing ppl in my life to remind me to Thank God that this has happened. Cause if it didn’t, we wouldn’t have realized where we went wrong, what went wrong, how we are going to get rid of this wrong.

Great is Your faithfulness oh Lord, You wrestle with the sinner’s heart.

It’s times like this where you really just want to sit down, be still be quiet, take the iPod, shuffle all your Christian songs you have, pray that God speak to you someway somehow, get on your knees and pray. Literally.

Sorry God.

As prelims draw closer, as all normal people would.. I am honestly worried. But then I started wondering why on earth I am so worried. All my life being in relatively good schools, everyone I know makes it to university. Everyone I know makes it to some prestigious course and so.. I grew up with that belief that naturally I am going to get into a uni also.

But, I guess as time passes we all start realizing that the things we believed in really start getting rather immature and superficial. Was thinking about this quite a lot yesterday and today and so I went to check up on uni admission criteria. Guess what? Admission to FASS in NUS is ABB/B. And that is the 10th percentile. How scary is that?

And today’s talk by the SMU representative just struck me even more. Out of the 15000 ppl who apply, less than 2000 get a place in the school. That is just mad, especially when I’ve never seen an A or hardly a B in any of my progress reports through the past 1 year plus in JC.

Time really flies I’m graduating soon. But.. It’s time to wonder, what am I going to do if I can’t make it to uni? Then all I’ve studied… What is it for?

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid, do not be dismayed. For the Lord your God is with you.

Even though I keep forsaking you, thank You God, for reassuring me.

I really understand that it’s a valid concern and everything but it really feels super sucky la. It’s like… I’m not allowed to go out for lunch with my friends because my parents think its a triple date. How can it be possible that it’s a triple date when there are only 2 couples???

So much for saying I trust you I trust you. They just don’t realize that if I really wanted to I could have just gone ahead and not listened to them but I chose to okay.

Ohwell when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. I’m gonna drink lemonade and spam videos on the computer when I’m home alone today.

It just makes me wonder… How come so many other ppl in school and in church can trust me, but you can’t.